I have been thinking about happiness, not sure why in particular. I am mindful of that old chestnut...that if you ask yourself if you are happy you will fail to be so.
I don't think I entirely agree with that perspective. While I think contemplating such things can lead to a deep feeling of dissatisfaction with life I have found it has had the opposite effect. I have come to the conclusion that I am happy. I've asked myself why am I happy and the only conclusion I can come to is because it is underscored by my thankfulness.
I am so thankful that my material needs continue to be met...through my job, and Glenn's life insurance, and I have been able to pay out the mortgage. I am thankful that Lydia and Calvin were in the final year of high school and primary school and had a year to adjust and grieve before they started college and high school. I am extremely thankful that both Lydia and Calvin are old enough to have solid memories of Glenn....and my heart aches for others who are so young they won't remember their Dads. I am thankful that, while imperfect, Glenn was someone who "walked the talk" of what he believed - and the legacy that is for his children. I smile when either of my children do or say things that remind me of Glenn.
I am so thankful for all the messages of support in the immediate aftermath of Glenn's death, and the ongoing support since then. So many people have supported us in word and deed. Glenn always considered himself such a small cog and thought his absence didn't matter but he was so very wrong.
Most of all I am thankful that I can live with the certainty that Glenn , who struggled so much with life, can share in Jesus' glorious triumph over death.
It would be dishonest to say that I don't miss Glenn....of course I do...and I am gutted for Lydia and Calvin. I have days, and moments when his absence feels overwhelming......and that is only to be expected.
But am I miserable.....no.
Am I happy......yes I am.
Life happens (and death happens)
Reddy (or not)